Today would not be the end of life as we know it. However, you could not convince Nicole of this fact. She couldn’t figure out what it was that she was doing, or not doing, that made her feel the bottomless dread. Maybe she should have taken more chances…more action in her life? Maybe she took too much and should have just let the cards fall into their possibly predetermined places. Something...anything to change who she was at this moment and the place in it that she resided.
She knew in the back of her head that a vast majority of the inhabitants of the earth, whether it be human or animal, had an existence less favorable than hers. Probably even a majority of all the previous generations. If she really gave it some thought, she would most likely come to the conclusion that she was supposed to be part of the 10% most well off, happiest beings on earth to have ever lived. But being happy and having someone insist that you should be, are two wildly different ideas.
It was that one ...two punch that got her down. Nicole knew she was on a flimsy balance beam and a little shove would all that would be needed to send her down for the count.
Alex left her on a Tuesday. It wasn’t the, “can we have a conversation?” kind of left, but a “we’re done here” exodus. She pleaded and begged in a very pathetic way. Not a “I can change, give me another chance” kind of way, but a “I will end my life without you” kind of threat. Which ironically turned out to be the final nail in the coffin for the relationship.
Alex saw these irrational and over-emotional moments and got deterred from really taking it any further. It wasn’t that he couldn’t stand her, or that he didn’t love her. The boy just couldn’t see himself raising kids with this walking ball of stress. Her aura and presence would somehow seep into him and latch on like a leech, sucking his life dry one little ounce at a time. So he packed his things, pulled the life sucker from his skin, and moved in with a friend from work where he knew he could breathe fresh air and begin planning for his happier, Nicole-free future.
In her mind, he had already had other lovers...other fucks. Each one took him further and further away from a reality where he would come back to her.
She was beginning to be alright with this idea. She convinced herself that she didn’t really love him that much anyway. He was just there. Convenient. Nothing to write home about.
The memory of when she took him to her friend's art showing downtown would be a constant appraisal of the relationship. It wasn’t as if she was into the art scene, but she knew how to be polite and feign interest. Alex did not. She has a vivid memory of this man not even lifting his eyes from the phone that whole afternoon. It was a Sunday and the game(s) could not be ignored, even if it was to get in the way of politeness. She remembers keeping her mouth shut about it because they were still a new item and like you do at the beginning of all great things, you ignore it. Hoping that this is not the real person whom you have chosen, but an abnormality. They don’t stand in front of exhibits with their eyes glued to the screen of their devices shouting, “Yes, up by fourteen at the half!!” He will change, and I can change him. But he wouldn’t and I couldn’t so goodbye Alex.
Just when a few weeks had passed, and she began to stick her head out of her apartment and observe the outside world, she got the call. Mom. Cancer. Need any more be said? It was in her brain; pretty bad. She was going to attempt Chemo, but the Doctors weren't exactly giving her great odds.
Nicole wasn’t very close with her mother. There were times, of course. When she was a teen and going through what teen girls go through, she could confide. Her Mom was there for the heartbreaks and there for the downtimes, but Nicole seemed to ignore her mother when she became a woman herself and had the all too common arrogant idea that her parents had no clue what they were talking about. This was normal for new adults. The notion that mom and dad had been some sort of failures. The lie that “I can do better than that.” It’s usually only a matter of time until life kicks their ass and the slow realization that wisdom, true wisdom, could only be acquired through years of heartache and disappointment.
Her dismissal of her Mother was acknowledged by Nicole and in the process of being addressed about a week before her father called and offered the bad news. Now her efforts would seem like some sort of soulless last ditch effort to redeem a fractured relationship before it was too late. It wouldn't feel or look genuine. Even if it was.
Nicole promised herself that if her Mother pulled through, she would be the daughter she always aspired to be. Make a list and follow up on all those ideas she has about playing the role. Be the favorite.
This brings us to the old man in the café. It was him who accidentally dropped his change in front of her. If it even was an accident at all. Nicole suspected she might have been singled out due to her overwhelming scent of desperation and despair.
“Oh I apologize. My reputation for being a bit clumsy as never failed and at my age is succeeding more and more”
When he bent down to pick up the change, Nicole had gathered a little sympathy for him. It looked like a chore for him just to be on one knee and gather them. His hat slowly slipping down in his face as he pocketed them one by one. This man could have been her grandfather, and if she was going to ever have that moment of change, then it would have to be now. Now was the time to be a better person.
“Let me, please,” she said as she got to her knees and scooped up what remained of the coins. Except as she felt them shuffle around her hand, she realized this wasn’t change at all. They felt thicker, more weight to them. They just happened to be small circles about three-fourths of an inch around.
She laughed to herself as she looked down at the blank metal shifting in her palm.
“Oh, I thought this was…”
“Everyone does. It’s meant to be carried around like it so that means I’ve done a good job. Maybe too good.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” she said. Still a bit curious, she decided to continue the conversation.
“So what is it then?”
The man gave the room a brief scan and turned back to her.
“Order your drink and meet me at the table in the corner”
To Nicole, this sounded a bit off-putting at first, but he did say it in a pleasant tone. Like he was a Grandpa who had a surprise for his Granddaughter. It was a public spot, so what could really happen? Plus he had kind eyes, which was a description Nicole had heard for years but never truly understood until she was gazing into them.
She grabbed her drink from the counter and made her way to the corner of the café where he was sitting down waiting. No drink to be consumed. No other company to talk to.
A briefcase sat on the table and was immediately removed and set on the chair next to him the second she arrived.
“Have a seat,” he suggested, motioning his hand to the chair across from him.
“No offense, but this doesn’t seem like your type of place”
He leans in, which automatically makes her do the same.
“It’s definitely not. I’m more of a diner type of guy. I like a booth. Especially one with that glossy red cover over the soft cushion. A waitress over sixty who smacks her gum, and some shitty dollar coffee. But hey...this is where we are, aren’t we?”
This is where we are. She admired his attitude. A positive one. She envied this. Nicole had always felt that the world she had always pictured in her head in no way appeared to be the world that was under her feet.
She remembered feeling this way since she was a child. Her nights were always better than her days. No matter how things were, she could close her eyes and be somewhere else and even be someone else. This was a feeling that grew stronger through high school and peaked at the age of 20. It fluttered back and forth through her 20s and now had come back full force. Her days now mostly spent with her eyes closed. Not sleeping, but imagining. Imagining that it was a better world for her on the other side of her eyelids.
“So you’re curious about the change?”
“The change?”
“Yeah. I call it that. Well…” he paused. “I called it that. It’s sort of a play on words like… Are you ready for some change?“ He smiled at her, hoping for a smile back. She gave one only for comfort purposes.
“You see, this was it. It was my lottery ticket. It was the one that was going to set me over the top,” he made a gesture by putting his hand in the air to illustrate, just in case Nicole was confused… She wasn’t.
“So you’re a…”
“Did you want to say the word inventor?”
“I did,” she smiled, a bit embarrassed.
“It’s an old-fashioned word. But it’s the one that I prefer. Everyone now wants to be called an innovator, or trailblazer, or entrepreneur. I just find those phrases ridiculous and a bit overstated.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a card and then across the table to present it to her.
“Myles Corduroy...inventor.” he said as she slipped in from his hand. “Now you hold onto that.”
Nicole looked down to see those three words and only those three words on the cheap white cardboard.
Myles Corduroy - inventor.
No number. No address. No email.
“And this is one of yours?” she said as she pointed down to one of the circular coin pieces sitting on the table.
“Yes ma’am. And this is the point where I pitch.”
Nicole smiled, sat back in her seat and folded her arms and waited for the show. She could tell that he had rehearsed it and performed it possibly hundreds of times. His mouth kept moving quicker and quicker. No words were stumbled on. No “uh’s… were uttered. Nicole was intrigued. Nicole was dismissive. After a few moments had passed, his mouth stopped. He was done with his pitch. Nicole had many questions.
“For four hours?” she asked with a grin.
He titled his hand back and forth in the air.
“Give or take. It affects everyone very differently.”
She didn’t really know where to go from here. She never heard of such a thing.
“So all I have to do is rub two of those coins together and a small spark of electricity will reach my brain and temporarily erase my problems?”
“Oh no. Not at all. You misunderstand. Everything is still very much there. It’s just not allowing the thoughts to enter your brain.”
She nodded. Understanding, but not really understanding.
He knew she was still a bit confused. They always were.
“Do you know how an electrostatic air filter works?”
She furrowed her eyebrows.
“Well, to simplify it. They charge the particles in the air and zap them, so to speak. So the good stuff gets in while the bad stuff is left behind.”
She paused, “So what...like bad thoughts?”
“Precisely,” he snapped with confirmation in his voice.
She once again gave a polite smile. “If that kind of technology existed, it would be a revelation in science. Everyone in the world would be scrapping to get at it.
He waived his finger in the air accompanied by a grin. “Not if the inventor hasn’t introduced it to that world yet.”
Once again, she assumed this had to be some sort of farce. A gimmick. She was waiting for him to ask her for some money or a credit card number.
“Look, I know what you're thinking. It happens damn near every time. That’s why I just give them the product, urge them to try it, and we go our separate ways.
And so on that night that is what they did. She saw no threat in it. And no way there could possibly be any harm done.
Nicole sat in her apartment staring at the small pieces of metal sitting on her coffee table. The instructions were easy. Take one piece and put it on your thumb. Then take the other and place in between your middle finger and index finger. In your mind, think of all the most upsetting things in your life. The job you can’t get or don’t have. The love you lost or can’t find. Death. Life. Think of all of it as the small slabs rub back and forth. At some point they will charge, and the process will begin to enter your body.
The two coins that were handed to her would only be good for about five charges worth. They could only be re-charged by Myles Corduroy himself. The machine that did this could be found in his briefcase, which could be found by his side at one of the few diners that he frequented in the area. And as stated it may not work for everyone and if it does may only work for ten minutes to four hours.
She picked them up and sighed. She would try anything at this point. And if she had to entertain the delusions of a deranged man, then she would do her good deed for the day. They felt comfortable in between her fingers. Like they were home.
“Fuck it”
The thoughts began in her head. It didn’t take much to get them going. They were already waiting in the peripheral, asking to be brought center stage. Her dying mother. Fucking asshole Alex. Her lack of any real accomplishments. The time she was laughed at by her whole 3rd grade glass because she had broken her glasses and had to tape them up. Her best friend from high school who gave Nicole’s boyfriend a blowjob at a party in front of everyone. Her ex-boss, who fired her because she didn’t accept his advances. Cindy, the dog she found and loved for a week until her dad made her take it to the pound. Her ex-roommate, who lied about paying the rent and got them both evicted, meanwhile spending Nicole’s money on purses. It went on, and on, and on.
Her fingers were rubbing rapidly. Unbeknownst to her, small sparks were flying in the air. The coins were activated and working at full force.
Then something strange happened. She began to laugh. It was actually audible. She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed out loud. At least not since...since when?
After a moment and without really thinking about it, she set the coins on the table. She stood up and remembered that her apartment was in need of some serious cleaning.
It started with the bathroom. The walls had been layered with a slick film found in most older apartments. She ended this very quickly. Her hand scrubbed back and forth with purpose. The toilet was scrubbed and then the sinks. As she finished the mirror, she gave herself a playful wink. Just like if she was in a commercial for glass cleaner, but this was only for an audience of one.
And then it was onto the bedroom. The dirty clothes on the floor went into the washer in hopes of becoming the clean clothes on the hangers. The bed was made, and the furniture was dusted.
In the kitchen, she had the revelation that her food supply would not last more than a couple of days. How on earth did she not realize until now that condiments and a half gallon of milk would not suffice as nourishment. She grabbed her purse, coat and keys and went out the door to the market just around the corner.
The cart filled up quickly as she began to remember the things that she use to love. Old family recipes went through her head as some sort of child-like nostalgia made its way into her appetite. The items went down the belt and to the hands of a smiling young man. Nicole thought that maybe she should return the smile, until she immediately realized that it was him who was the one returning a smile.
She paid, left the store and strolled down the street with the two bags dangling in her hands. Back to the apartment she went as the bags went onto the counters and the contents went into the cabinets and fridge. The place started to look like someone had lived there. It started to look like a home.
She had picked up a bottle of wine and took sips as she stirred the sauce for her Grandmother’s beloved Rigatoni recipe. She felt like she was in a movie. Like, maybe this is what people really did. Happy people.
She took another sip from the glass and just when the glass touched the counter her knees buckled, bringing her to the floor. The weight of it all in a matter of seconds was entirely too overwhelming. All at once, the man she had lost and the mother that she was soon to lose became front and center. Her stomach followed quickly. Leaving her nauseous to the point where she knew the bathroom was inevitable. As she kneeled down over the toilet, the best thought that went through her head was, “glad I didn’t eat the pasta first.”
The rest of the night, Nicole laid in her bed. The headache eventually became mild and tolerable, but only after some aspirin and a 30-minute shower. It was like a night of hard drinking, but without chemicals to drain from your system. Just feelings that took a journey from your head, then into your gut and then into the toilet.
As she laid in bed with a glass of water by the nightstand and a bucket on the side, it finally dawned on her. During the moments of the day, her terrible life never entered into it. It was on the back burner as she was allowed to consume the main course. It almost made her feel guilty...almost.
She finally arose the next morning just in time for work. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Physically or emotionally.
Drudging herself out of bed, she slogged herself into the shower. Passing the clean apartment and uneaten pasta on the counter. The look of it was a metaphor for her life. The idea and proper ingredients are there, but the execution was nowhere to be found.
Nicole got a job waiting tables at a bar and grill around the corner from her apartment. She could do better things, but for now the low responsibility and better than average pay was where she needed to be. Lately, of course, the pay has not been so well. Since she relied on tips, the dollar amount always coincided with her spunk -level output. And recently, even getting a smile to reach her face for the patrons had become a chore.
“Rough night?” said one of the other girls she worked with.
“Nothing like that?” answered Nicole but then quickly thinking, “It kind of was like that”
“Well, get ready because it’s going to be nuts tonight”
“FUCKKK,” thought Nicole. She just remembered that it was Saturday and multiple parties had been booked for tonight. It was going to be brutal. But she knew it didn’t have to be. She reached in her pocket and felt around for them. They were there. She threw them in her pocket before she left. She wasn’t even sure why. It just happened.
The moment she clocked in, she shuffled off to the bathroom. She sat in the stall and made the sparks happen again. It was a joy to see. Like being a six-year-old again and holding a sparkler. She opened the stall door, washed her hands and gave herself a long stare in the mirror. She thought she looked younger, or maybe just better? She certainly wasn’t well rested.
She popped out of the bathroom with purpose. She didn’t love her job, but tonight she was going to be the best at it. There was a particular joy in the rush of a busy restaurant that someone who droned away at an office would never understand or appreciate. If you were firing on all cylinders and constantly hitting your mark, it would tick a special piece of your brain's pleasure zone over and over again. She felt joy when she asked if she could get them anything else and all that followed was some shrugging and a “I think we're fine here.” Pleased patrons. 20 percent tips across the board. No bullshit from Ken, the GM. It was going quite well. She only had to be concerned with moment to moment.
She remembered how she felt the night before. The aftermath of it all, that is. She couldn’t afford for that to happen right at a table in mid-sentence. They would probably call an ambulance. She decided to set a timer on her phone and about 3 hours after the initial charge she reached in her pocket and gave the coins a rub once more. She couldn’t quite put it into words, but she knew it was working. She repeated this again three hours later and arrived home in a fantastic mood with three hundred dollars cash in her pocket.
She laid in bed, anticipating the inevitable. She thought about her mother and came to the decision that first thing tomorrow she would make that phone call and have that conversation that she has been delaying for so long.
It was 3:00 AM when she made her rushed trip to the ivory bowel and turned the water brown and yellow. Her appetite earlier was so much better that she split a cheeseburger and mozzarella sticks with a coworker. That turned out to be a waste.
This time it all felt worse. Probably because she tripled the dose. She had what they used to call “the spins”. It happens when you lay down in bed and close your eyes. Your body was laying still, but your brain was riding the teacups.
Once she knew that there was nothing left in her stomach, she made her way to the shower. She brushed her teeth, drank about a gallon of water and passed out in her bed.
The next morning, she woke up and felt alright. Her sickness was gone and her anxiety and sadness were at bay. She wondered if maybe there was a lasting effect. Like maybe some kind of permanence.
She made herself some coffee and even had some eggs and toast. She had never been a breakfast person but chalk this up to losing all the contents from her stomach the night before.
Nicole laid on her couch with her phone in her hand, ready to make the call. She was anticipating her mother sounding weak, so she had to mentally prepare herself for it. As if knowing your mother is dying is something that one can even “get ready” for.
She figured maybe another round of the coins would set her right. She grabbed them off the dresser and gave them that rub. The one that felt so good in between her fingers. She didn’t feel that spark, though. “Where was it? It can’t be done already.”
She remembered going out last night for a bit with some people from work. Had she done it again? Troy had been talking to her a lot. Maybe she had reached into her pocket and did it without even thinking about it?
The phone call would have to wait. Along with about everything else. She grabbed her coat and made her way out the door to locate the man with the miracle.
She remembered, when they spoke, he had mentioned that he didn’t feel at home at the café. So where did he feel at home? She thought about his description, which immediately took four places off the list. This left only one that she could think of. Thinking back, maybe he wasn’t telling Nicole his ideal place, but actually telling her exactly where he'll be.
And there he was. The briefcase sat next to him at the booth. His eyes were waiting for her like they had already scheduled this meeting. She slowly walked up and then quickly sat down.
“Twenty two hours and fourteen minutes. That’s not the fastest, but that’s fast.”
“What do you mean?”
“You're here for a recharge. I assume?”
A look of shame came over her. Her eyes slowly made their way down to the table.
“Don’t be embarrassed. I'm under the assumption that most of them forget about it for a few days until they find them next to a ball of lint in their pockets. Or sometimes they forget it all together. Dismiss it as madness. Which is understandable if you don’t carry an imagination. We all need a little madness sometimes. It’s what separates us from the squares.”
Nicole continued to just stare at him. Speechless.
“So give me the rundown. What was your general experience?”
The words “amazing” and “surreal” didn’t leave Nicole’s mouth. Neither did the words “hopeful” nor “happy.” What did come out was a confession of clarity and functionality that she had never felt. Ever. The feeling of being a real person like the ones she passes on the street or spots in the mall casually buying pants.
He maintained a grin throughout. He was used to hearing this, but it still gave him the same joy he felt the first time it was confessed.
She finished her proclamation and then looked back down to the table. There were several rings of coffee across the surface. Probably from several different people like her.
“So even after all the sickness, you would still like another round?”
“Does it get better?” she asked.
“You tell me”
He took out a notepad and a pen and smiled securely.
“I’m going to need you to take some notes. You know...some documentation. Your ups and your downs. Every time you smiled and every time you fell face flat on the ground...so to speak. You see here sweetie whether they like it or not I will be running my own clinical trials.”
“So I’m just some sort of guinea pig?”
He looked into her eyes. He could see that she was trying to be upset. Trying to be offended. But she would still bite. They always did. Sure, some were hesitant in the beginning, but most if not all would come around.
“There will be much more to it than some notes as well. I have things I need done from time to time.” He looked past her and gave a nod. She looked in the window and saw the reflection of a man standing about ten feet behind her. He was maybe just a few years younger. He seemed to be eagerly awaiting their conversation to end, as if Nicole was a nuisance. She began to feel like one.
“Okay. Just tell me what and I’m game.”
He smiled and grabbed the coins from the table. He then took out the briefcase and set it on the table. He popped the locks on both sides and opened it, revealing a simple black box with 2 small slots. He took the coins and inserted them as a small light flashed green.
“This takes a minute.”
They sat in silence. He sipped on his coffee. There was a moment when Nicole could have inquired what kind of things may be asked of her. Maybe he could volunteer an example of a task that had to be performed. Like maybe whatever the guy standing behind her must have done to earn another recharge. But no words took place. Instead, a light buzz was audible, and the coins popped out.
He grabbed them from the device, and the man who may have hundreds of men and women under his control handed the coins back to her.
“Be careful. They're a little warm.”
She didn't care. She wanted to get out of there and back to her life.
She stood up abruptly and gave him a small grin. She kept telling herself that she would not be back here. That she would not see this man again. But she knew the inevitable.
He reached out his hand for her to shake.
“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Nicole. See you soon.”
She scattered out of there, avoiding all eye contact with the young man in waiting. All she had to do was get home. She would take a warm bath, take a sip of wine and make a phone call. A phone call to her mother that was long overdue, but still necessary to mend a relationship that was fractured. And that’s exactly what she did. And the talk went well into the night. And for the moment all was good with Nicole. For now.
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